I am starting this to become more accountable to myself. I have both depression and anxiety and I have let them take over my life. This is where the journey to take back my life is going to begin. I am pretty good for the most part, in being accountable to others, which I am grateful for. I know there are many out there who have a lot more trouble than I do. I understand it could be worse, but I also know it could be better, and I am going to work towards that better for myself.
I have a full-time job and I have had no trouble in obtaining or keeping jobs in the past or to fulfill responsibilities to classes or friends for the most part. What I mostly struggle with is my commitments to myself, my family, and my household. I have very poor habits with regards to self-care, time management, procrastination, and household duties. I am mostly going to use this blog to document my progress in these areas. (what I actually manage to get done in a day).
There is a lot of misconceptions about what depression and anxiety actually are and it makes it harder for others to see those of us with those issues as someone who is struggling with an illness instead of just lazy and uptight.
My anxiety makes it very difficult for me to go places on my own, especially new places. I had the hardest time when I had to actually start driving on my own and I still get really bad when I have to go somewhere I haven’t been before even if it’s around the corner. I actually tried to refuse to go get ice from the gas station a couple of weeks ago because it was already dark out and I’d never been to that gas station before. In the end I lost the argument and when to the store (literally 3 blocks away) to get the ice. Nothing bad happened, but that didn’t stop my brain from telling me something would the entire time. It also makes it very hard for me to meet people. I have been living in this town for over a year and I just started making local friends now. Mostly because I’m finally working with people my own age and I’m back in school.
My depression makes it very difficult for me to find motivation. I usually only end up showering once ever 2 weeks. I only get dressed if I have to go to work or school. I have been managing to do laundry because my work uniform gets absolutely disgusting and I refuse to wear it 2 shifts in a row, however that doesn’t stop me from waiting until the last possible minute to put it in and wearing half damp clothes to work, or from leaving the rest of the laundry in the basket until it gets used.
This is probably going to be a very boring blog because I’m probably only going to post a list of the things I actually got done in a day to keep me motivated to keep going instead of getting discouraged and quitting. I have family members who are very negative and are constantly focusing on all the things that don’t get done instead of the things that do and bringing up things I didn’t get done in the past when I point out I finally did the thing. I get that it’s frustrating for them but it’s not helpful at all to my progress to constantly point out all the things I’m not doing to your satisfaction. So this is my motivation and support. Hopefully it works. I am so tired of constantly disappointing everyone, including myself.
This is my journey, it may be similar to journeys taken by others, but it is still my journey and no one elses. I will be better tomorrow than I was today, and if I’m not I will try again. I am NOT going to quit on myself anymore.