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Striving for More

Working towards overcoming depression and anxiety

The Beginning

I am starting this to become more accountable to myself. I have both depression and anxiety and I have let them take over my life. This is where the journey to take back my life is going to begin. I am pretty good for the most part, in being accountable to others, which I am grateful for. I know there are many out there who have a lot more trouble than I do. I understand it could be worse, but I also know it could be better, and I am going to work towards that better for myself.

I have a full-time job and I have had no trouble in obtaining or keeping jobs in the past or to fulfill responsibilities to classes or friends for the most part. What I mostly struggle with is my commitments to myself, my family, and my household. I have very poor habits with regards to self-care, time management, procrastination, and household duties. I am mostly going to use this blog to document my progress in these areas. (what I actually manage to get done in a day).

There is a lot of misconceptions about what depression and anxiety actually are and it makes it harder for others to see those of us with those issues as someone who is struggling with an illness instead of just lazy and uptight.

My anxiety makes it very difficult for me to go places on my own, especially new places. I had the hardest time when I had to actually start driving on my own and I still get really bad when I have to go somewhere I haven’t been before even if it’s around the corner. I actually tried to refuse to go get ice from the gas station a couple of weeks ago because it was already dark out and I’d never been to that gas station before. In the end I lost the argument and when to the store (literally 3 blocks away) to get the ice. Nothing bad happened, but that didn’t stop my brain from telling me something would the entire time. It also makes it very hard for me to meet people. I have been living in this town for over a year and I just started making local friends now. Mostly because I’m finally working with people my own age and I’m back in school.

My depression makes it very difficult for me to find motivation. I usually only end up showering once ever 2 weeks. I only get dressed if I have to go to work or school. I have been managing to do laundry because my work uniform gets absolutely disgusting and I refuse to wear it 2 shifts in a row, however that doesn’t stop me from waiting until the last possible minute to put it in and wearing half damp clothes to work, or from leaving the rest of the laundry in the basket until it gets used.

This is probably going to be a very boring blog because I’m probably only going to post a list of the things I actually got done in a day to keep me motivated to keep going instead of getting discouraged and quitting. I have family members who are very negative and are constantly focusing on all the things that don’t get done instead of the things that do and bringing up things I didn’t get done in the past when I point out I finally did the thing. I get that it’s frustrating for them but it’s not helpful at all to my progress to constantly point out all the things I’m not doing to your satisfaction. So this is my motivation and support. Hopefully it works. I am so tired of constantly disappointing everyone, including myself.

This is my journey, it may be similar to journeys taken by others, but it is still my journey and no one elses. I will be better tomorrow than I was today, and if I’m not I will try again. I am NOT going to quit on myself anymore.

Featured post

Everything Everything

Everything Everything

So Yesterday I read Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon. I’m just going to take a moment to appreciate this beautiful cover because they just released this book with the movie cover and this one probably won’t be around much longer. It’s just a gorgeous cover.

This book is written in some different media forms. There’s some chat logs and drawings mixed in along with normal text which I found helped connect me more to the story. I read this book for diversity bingo and I used it for the author of colour square. I will definitely be recommending this book to everyone. I gave it 4 stars, only because I reserve 5 stars for books I found absolutely amazing and I can’t put them down, I just want more no matter how many times I read them. So it only got 4 stars. I did really like it and I found it to be so different and interesting.

This book is about a girl who is literally allergic to the world and she has never been outside of her house. She doesn’t really see anyone other than her mom and her nurse. New neighbors move in next door including a boy who is around her age and she just becomes absolutely fascinated with this boy. I know that was really vague but seriously just read it. It’s not a long book and it is truly just a great book.

Now I have to go check if my class content was finally updated and figure out what book I’m reading next.

Happy reading everyone!

Of Fire and Stars

Of Fire and Stars

I finished reading this book at 2 am this morning and I loved it. I will definitely read it again and I am so happy I discovered this book. I read this book as part of diversity bingo which if you haven’t heard of is a reading challenge set up like a bingo card that encourages you to read more diversely. I joined it this year to actively try to read outside my comfort zone. I used this book to cover the square for arranged marriage.

I found this to be a very easy read. By the time I was finished with chapter 1 I was completely hooked and the book just flew by. The book itself is fairly short at only 389 pages. I really hope there is going to be a sequel to this book as I absolutely could not get enough of this world and I just want to keep reading about Mare and Denna. This was the authors debut novel so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

(No spoilers) Basically this book is about two princesses; the first is Dennaleia who as the youngest is in an arranged marriage to a prince from another kingdom. The second is Amaranthine who is the sister of the prince Dennaleia is engaged to. There is an assassination attempt and the two princesses try to discover the truth of who’s behind it and end up getting closer together in the process and might be developing feelings for each other.

As I said, I really loved this book and I will most definitely be recommending it to everyone. Thank you so much to Emmmabooks of booktube for talking about it on your channel and introducting me to this wonderful world.

The next book I’m going to be reading is also for diversity bingo although I’m not sure which square I’m going to use it for yet as there are a couple of options. The book is called everything, everything by: Nicola Yoon. This book is actually being made into a movie adaptation which comes out very soon so you’ve probably seen the trailer for it already. If you haven’t the book is about this girl who’s allergic to everything and can’t go outside. She gets new neighbors and the boy befriends her and they develop feelings for each other.

The synopsis on this book is very vague and I honestly probably wouldn’t have bought it if I hadn’t watched the movie trailer which gives us a little bit more detail. I always like to read the book before I watch the movie if I know about the book beforehand. So this is my next read and I will post more when I finish the book. The original cover on this book is gorgeous by the way.

Happy reading everyone!

Arrival

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I finally finished reading Arrival by: Ted Chiang. I had such a hard time trying to get through this book. It is the closest I have come to not finishing in a book in a very long time.

I picked up arrival after the movie came out. I saw the movie in theatres and I really liked it, I thought it was really well done. So of course when I saw the book in the store I had to buy it so I could learn more about this world and the characters. I always want to know what the charecters are thinking so I was super exited to read this book. I was a little disappointed that the book is actually a short story compilation and not just about the world we see in the movie. All the stories in the book are by Ted Chiang and they all share an overarching theme, but Arrival, the story the movie is based on is only one little section of the book, so we don’t really get to see more of the world. In fact I found you got way less information from the book which is something I’ve never encountered before.

While the stories were all interesting I did find the book to be very boring. It was truly a struggle to get through. I found the writing style to be very tedious and dense which is probably why I had so much trouble with these stories to begin with. I’m sure there are lots of people out there who read this book and loved it, this is not to discourage others from reading by any means, it was just not the book for me.

I will probably check out some of his other works at some point in the future to see. I’d like to see what he does with a novel. I think I might find those more agreeable as there’s more room to flesh out characters and I can really sink into the story.

 

In the mean-time I started reading Of Fire and Stars by: Audrey Coulthurst which I actually picked up last week after watching a video by Emmmabooks of booktube talk about it. It is a YA fantasy that follows two princesses, the first, Dennaleia, is in an arranged marriage to a prince from another kingdom and while she is still hoping to fall in love, she has accepted the fact that she will be married to him. The second, Amaranthine, who is the sister to the prince Denna is arranged to marry. The book follows the growing relationship between the two princesses during all the turmoil of an assassination and the search for the killer that follows.

This book has so much potential and I am so excited for this book, It has magic and danger and romance which are all things I love in my fantasy books. It also deals with a lesbian relationship which is not very common in literature, especially not in fantasy. I’m only 20 pages in and I am already completely hooked. I could barely pause to write this post. I’m actually writing it now because I know once I really get into the book I won’t be able to stop until I finish it.

Well, I’m off to finish my book.

Happy reading everyone!

It’s almost May!

So obviously I have been procrastinating a lot on posting as evidenced by the fact that my last post was in december. I decided this was probably not the best way for me personally to keep accountable. I have been doing okay with taking care of myself I even had some good routines down for a while (then I had company visit and that kind of derailed me). I have been doing really good with taking care of my teeth, doing my laundry, changing my sheets, and showering. So overall I think this is a win. I did do fairly okay with keeping up with my class but I did still do a fair bit of procrastinating. I basically haven’t exercised since January except for what I get in at work, I am trying to improve this. My class is over as of this morning! So I have 2 weeks until my next class starts which will be online so I will have to be more accountable to myself. I am excited for this challenge though. The program I am going into is going to be very demanding and I need to work on being more disciplined with my school work.

 

I have finally gotten back into reading which I am so happy about because I really love to read and it was killing me a little bit inside that I really didn’t want to. I have also managed to get back into my knitting so I think maybe I’m finally starting to come out of my current depressive spell. It is so much work to make progress and not slip back so much but I’m trying.

 

Now the fun stuff! I bought books today!

Last night I discovered booktube (book vloggers on YouTube) and there are now so many books on my must try list it’s crazy. Emmmabooks recommended Of Fire and Stars by: Audrey Coulthurst which is a YA fantasy novel to do with lesbian love wich are not as common as I’d like them to be. It is one of the books I bought today and I am so excited to read it! Also recommended by Emmmabooks was  Passenger by: Alexandra Bracken. Well actually she was recommending book 2 which is Wayfarer I think but I need to read book 1 first and Wayfarer is still hardcover anyways. Passenger sounds very interesting and I am also very excited to read this one. I won’t give a description of it right now because I don’t feel like trying to condense the synapses right now but you should definitely check it out. The last book I bought today was A Discovery of Witches by: Deborah Harkness which is book 1 of the All Souls trilogy. It is a book about a book which I love with a strong supernatural element obviously. I almost bought the other 2 books in the trilogy but my shopping companion made me put them back. So after I read book 1 I will probably go back and buy those. I will try to post more on these after I read them.

 

To be honest my TBR pile is massive. I am currently reading Arrival by Ted Chiang which the movie Arrival was based on. It is actually pretty interesting. I will probably make a post on it after I finish it. I am also reading a City of Glass because I need to read books 5 and 6 in the series so I decided to start from the beginning. I did get distracted half way through with Arrival and we’ll see if other books don’t sneak their way in between.

 

I’m considering doing a couple of book challenges this year apart from harper Collins 50 book challenge which I mostly do just to keep track of what I’ve been reading. I am also looking at book subscription boxes so if you’re reading this and you currently subscribe to a book box shoot me a message! I would love to know what people think of their boxes as there are so many different ones to choose from and I can only afford 1 or 2 right now!

 

Thanks for reading! 🙂

Day 2 December 9, 2016

Today I actually made breakfast (pancakes) 

We had the first snow today so I woke up to it and had to shovel the walk and the driveway before school and put out the garbage and recycling. 

I did manage to fold my laundry and do both my full and partial face routines. 

I forgot to take my vitamins and I only managed 1 bottle of water. Instead of getting in some reading or a shower or getting caught up on some tv, I had a nap. Still, I did have done productivity in my day. It wasn’t a complete waste. 
My goals for tomorrow:

Shower! 

Vitamins! 

Vacuume the upstairs

Wash work clothes

Something for me

Face routine

Managing to post. I work till 1am Sunday morning so well see if I actually post when I get home for Saturday. 

Good night to me and anyone who happens to be reading it. 🙂 

It’s never as bad as it seems~

Day 1 December 8, 2016

Today I washed and dried my laundry. I didn’t quite get to folding but tomorrows a new day. I did manage to do my complete face routine. (A product to help clear up my skin from the dermatologist (only every two days though), followed by washing my face, using toner, and then moisturizer.) I also went to class and did some studying for my test tomorrow. I only studied a little bit though for the long answer question. She wanted us to do some research on the subject so I did some googling and I read some information but I never wrote anything down or made any attempt at organizing the information. I’m just going to wing it in the morning. I did help make supper tonight which I feel good about and I took the bottles to the recycling outside because they’d been building up on the counter. I ate a Quest bar for breakfast, it’s not a very good breakfast but it was certainly better than nothing and better than sugary breakfasts. I have been trying to eat healthier lately. Trying being the key word. I took my multivitamin today too. Not all my vitamins but if I had to pick one that’s the one to pick. I also managed to brush my teeth both this morning and before bed.

My goals for tomorrow:

Brush teeth morning and night

Fold Laundry

Quick study before test and hopefully do well

Quick shower before work

Eat proper healthy meals

Get some reading in or watch a couple of episodes of my shows

Take my vitamins

Manage entire face routine before bed and partial in the morning

Update blog about accomplishments

 

Now I’m off to bed. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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